Lequin were recently delivering conflict management training at an investment bank. An element of the training was how to make an apology, and when the very word 'apology' was first spoken there was synchronised bottom-wiggling as participants squirmed in their seats. Apologise - arghh!
Having to express regret and responsibility openly to another person is painful. When we've hurt someone, we feel guilt and remorse, humiliation even. Apologising can be perceived as an admittance of failure - a demonstration to others and to yourself that you're in some way a failed person, not the perfect, ideal self that you strive for. We can see it as a threat to our own status - the word 'sorry' as a subtraction from our own power.
But this is making the classic mistake of confusing behaviour with personality, by thinking 'An apology makes me a weak, bad person', rather than 'My behaviour in that particular instance has hurt someone'. (This muddling up is learnt, some psychologists believe, from parents who mistakenly attacked the child not the behaviour, when they classically say 'You're a naughty child', as opposed to 'That was a naughty thing to do'.)
The benefits of making an apology
Successful personal and working relationships are built, first and foremost, on trust. When trust is broken by an argument, perceived slight or action, an apology is the most effective way to rebuild it. So when we refuse to apologise we are harming relationships - and if they are important relationships, then an apology becomes imperative.
The consequences of not giving an apology can be worse for the long-term relationship than the perceived advantage of keeping your own status intact. In fact, making an effective apology can raise your status - it can show you are above your own ego, a well-adjusted individual.
What's more, making an effective apology can be an insightful self-development tool, bearing many similarities with CBT. It requires emotional intelligence - self-awareness, empathy and awareness of others' emotions. By becoming aware which thoughts and emotions feed spontaneous negative behaviours, we can develop greater insight into our hot triggers, and put into practice more useful ways of thinking, feeling and acting going forward.
How to apologise while retaining your status and dignity
Making an apology need not be a humiliating experience. A grovelling apology - like the kind Bond villains expect of their henchmen - is one way to lose your dignity, both for yourself and in the eyes of the person you're apologising to. Rather than make a child-to-parent apology, your aim is for an adult-to-adult one, in which your tone of speech and sentiment are respectful. To get into an adult frame of mind, remind yourself how important the relationship is, that all of us are equals, and that you respect yourself and others in equal measure.
The six steps to an effective apology
Psychologists Roy J. Lewicki, Beth Polin and Robert B. Lount Jr. have identified six steps to making an effective apology:
- 1An expression of regret. Simply, 'I'm sorry.'
- 2An explanation. By stating the reasons why the offence occurred, you can convey that it was not intentional. 'I was really stressed…'
- 3Acknowledgement of responsibility. Take personal responsibility: 'It was my mistake', rather than 'Mistakes were made.'
- 4A statement in which you express a promise not to repeat the offence.
- 5An offer of repair. The most effective way to repair damage is to ask the offended person what would mean the most to them - rather than doing what you think would alleviate your own guilt.
- 6A request for forgiveness. This is a simple step to gain closure: 'Is that OK now?'
Acknowledging responsibility and offering repair matter most
The researchers found that the most important element to the victim was an acknowledgement of responsibility (step 3). We care that the person understands they did something wrong. It says to the victim: 'Yes, you acknowledge me. I exist as a person. And I did not deserve to be hurt.' Importantly, for the offender, an acknowledgement also means taking personal responsibility - and when people take responsibility, this is the first step to changing future behaviour.
An offer of repair (step 5) was the second most important element, while a request for forgiveness (step 6) was the least important. So if you find yourself in a situation where you cannot include all six components, then acknowledging fault and offering to put it right are the two musts.
How NOT to apologise
We've all experienced half-cooked, fake apologies people make because they think they should, or have been told to. And there is one apology which is in fact a hidden attack: 'I'm sorry if you feel that way.' This implies, 'You're wrong to feel that way and you need to sort your emotions out and not be so sensitive and needy.' Not only is it offensive, it also means we avoid taking responsibility for a situation.
Peter Willis