Behind the smile, a hidden knife! - Chinese proverb
Ever had a colleague or direct report who continually turns up late, who hands in reports late, who drags their feet, or who you suspect might even be deliberately sabotaging work? Then you're most likely dealing with a passive-aggressive - and their behaviour, if ignored or tackled in the wrong way, can cause a great deal of harm to results, to yourself and to others.
In this blog I'll look at how to spot passive-aggressive people, why they behave the way they do, and give you some tips and tactics for dealing with them.
The behaviours of a passive-aggressive
Passive-aggressive behaviour is normally subtle - an indirect expression of hostility. Rarely do they express hostility directly. There are ten common behaviours:
- 1Sullen behaviour, including the silent treatment.
- 2Sarcasm or put-downs as their main form of humour (which, when challenged, is met with 'Can't you take a joke?').
- 3Subtle insults.
- 4A cynical, pessimistic attitude.
- 5Saying 'yes' but then intentionally using delaying tactics, turning up late, making excuses for not joining in, 'forgetting', and undermining others.
- 6Saying 'yes' but then intentionally making mistakes when dealing with others' requests.
- 7Saying 'I can't' to reasonable requests (when really they mean 'I won't').
- 8Deliberate failure to accomplish required tasks, dragging their feet, and stubbornness.
- 9Frequently complaining about feeling underappreciated or deceived.
- 10Sabotaging someone's wellbeing and success - this is at the extreme end, but it can happen.
How does passive-aggression develop, and what triggers it?
Where a child grows up in an environment with strict, enforced rules and regulations, and learns that standing up for themselves causes further punishment, they may take their grievances underground. A child develops tactics and skills to 'survive' domineering caregivers - to avoid being totally crushed and to gain some form of power.
When this same individual, as an adult employee, is bullied, feels they're not valued, feels they have no voice, or finds it difficult to assert themselves, this can trigger those negatively anchored childhood feelings of powerlessness - of being dominated. Out of this fear of being dominated once more, in an effort to avoid being victimised, the individual may again take on the persona of a passive-aggressive and use survival and resistance strategies.
(You'll have noticed I refer to a passive-aggressive, as opposed to passive-aggressive behaviour. This is because the behaviour comes from a persona that someone is identifying with - and in addressing it, it's helpful to see the person beneath. This helps you empathise, and show compassion and understanding. This is not to say you condone the behaviour, but that you can see why they are the way they are, which can help you hold back from trying to change them.)
How to deal with passive-aggressives
Don't take it personally
Understand that passive-aggressives are reacting to what you represent - not to you as a person. If you're in a position of authority over them, or you represent a threat to their perceived status, you may become a target for their tactics.
Don't bother confronting them directly
When confronted, a passive-aggressive will invariably deny responsibility. Because they operate covertly, much of their resistance goes unnoticed by others. While there might be some evidence, it's probably not enough for a formal complaint to HR - and any such formal accusation will be met with complete denial and claims of victimhood, in an attempt to turn you into the bad guy.
Don't try to change them
Even as a coach, I never set out to change a coachee - I set out to be there for them, and by accepting them for who they are, paradoxically, this can sometimes (if they want to change) be the catalyst for change. It's never your job to try to change others. Trying to change a passive-aggressive by explaining their behaviour will only exhaust you. However frustrating, accepting that you have to change your approach is a whole lot less exhausting - and you'll learn some new skills along the way.
Be the 'adult' - don't respond as a 'child' or 'parent'
According to Transactional Analysis (TA), at any given point we can be in one of three 'ego' states: parent, adult, or child. When a passive-aggressive is using their tactics on you, they've regressed into a resistant 'child' state - albeit unconsciously. And they'll see you, the person with the power, as the critical, controlling 'parent'.
What you mustn't do is respond to the passive-aggressive's 'child' as another 'child' (playing tit-for-tat is never effective), or worst of all - and most common among managers - respond as a 'parent'. Responding as a controlling parent (telling them off, threatening them, speaking down to them) will only reinforce their negative parent-child association and create more of the same behaviour, because this is exactly what they are trying to protect themselves from. Respond as a nurturing parent and, given they may not have witnessed a truly nurturing parent before, they'll see it as phoney and dismiss it. You must come back as the 'adult'.
Give the passive-aggressive a voice
Passive-aggressives often feel powerless and hate feeling as if things are being done to them. So giving them a 'voice', where appropriate, can help them feel included in decision-making and part of the process. Ask for their opinions or input. If they come up with constructive solutions, great. If they complain or criticise, don't get into an argument - simply say that you've heard them, then get back to concentrating on the outcome you want.
When giving feedback, use the right language - never say 'you'
Avoid accusations and statements that begin with 'you', which are more likely to trigger defensiveness. Instead, use sentences that begin with I, we, it, let's and this, followed by perceived facts. For example, rather than 'You didn't meet the deadline, John', state: 'I noticed that the deadline was not met.'
Don't tolerate passive-aggression
If you don't nip passive-aggression in the bud, it will only encourage the negative behaviour to continue and intensify. So address it as soon as possible.
Set boundaries and clearly communicate consequences
Effectively dealing with passive-aggressive behaviour can mean setting out consequences and seeing them through if the behaviour continues. A consequence gives the individual something to think about, and can compel them to move from obstruction to cooperation.
If things get serious, start to formalise communication
Sit down with the individual on a daily basis and set out what needs to be done that day. Write it down in a log book, and review what was done at the end of the day (if you can't do this daily, do it weekly). Whenever you set out boundaries and communicate consequences, put it in writing and have a third party as witness - for example, spell out in an email what needs to be done on a project, within what time period, and copy in someone else with authority. When a passive-aggressive incident occurs - inappropriate joking, lateness or unfulfilled responsibility - have witnesses present when you bring up the issue. Start to collect a trail of communications that include agreements, disagreements, timelines and deadlines.
Peter Willis
Marie Willis