Leadership and management tip - why personal responsibility is key to learning
02 Dec 2013
In the 1950s psychiatrist Eric Berne developed his theory of transactional analysis, and more recently emotional intelligence theory has gained popularity, both showing how our self regard and our regards for others work together in a see-saw affect determining how we interact with others and our overall worldview. When we become imbalanced, we end up blaming rather than taking personal responsibility.
We all know people who are wonderful at taking personal credit and silverware when things are going well but the moment things go array they’re the first to blame others, slip off to the pub and turn their voicemail on. Some have made a career from this, albeit reaching a ceiling above which they cannot pass without first facing up to one key lesson: people who blame others are both deceiving themselves and alienating those around them, and in the modern workplace where trust and respect are key to success this, and this alone, will hold them back.
The temptation to blame is something all of us face on a daily basis. After all not taking personal responsibility is an easy option. Indeed, some people complain incessantly, and just being around these people is tiring enough. Driving into work, ‘the car in front is making me late’ (not the fact that he left late); I’ve been overlooked for promotion because Michael is a lackey (rather than the fact that Michael is a good networker); and at home ‘I’m tired all the time because my child keeps me up (rather than spending the time to understand how to help his child sleep better); and so on.
Blame is such an energy draining activity. It may seem like blaming others or situations, even inanimate objects such as a kettle for scolding our hand, is by far the easiest way to avoid the pain and grief of taking personal responsibility for our actions, our mistakes and misjudgements. But the delaying of gratification and the self sacrifice required to take personal responsibility far outweighs an ever-present anxiety resulting from seeing the world and other people as obstacles and problems. These are a great drain on our energy levels. And given that we seem to only ever learn life’s most important lessons through trial and error – through our own mistakes – then blame stops our personal development and spiritual growth.
I once coached a manager (I shall refer to him as David) in a telecoms comapny who was struggling to gain the respect of his team of writers. The HR department who’d employed me had briefed me that he was a ‘slippery customer’. In our first coaching session this description rang true. In his eyes he was doing everything he could to lead, inspire and direct. The problem was not with him but his team. He blamed the subeditors, the freelancers, the art director, the picture editor, the writers – everyone. He was working so hard yet all around him was incompetence, stupidity and wilful neglect. In our first session we discussed how blame was draining him, taking away his power to control situations, and how blame was holding back his personal journey. With enthusiasm for his new-found knowledge he set himself the goal of taking personal responsibility. Yet over the course of his next two sessions he’d reverted to his old habit, passing the buck to his team. I brought us back to our previous commitments and the discussions centred on the futility and ineffectiveness of blame, only to be met with excuses or a shrug of the shoulders. In our fourth session, so ingrained was his willingness to blame that I suggested our coaching end; if he was unwilling to take personal responsibility then they’d be no personal change. ‘But if we stop these sessions then who will I have to talk my issues through with?’ he said. ‘You mean if we stop these sessions who will you have to moan to?’ He stared at me and smiled. ‘You’re transferring your frustrations on to me as your coach, and now you subconsciously blame me for not fixing your team. Only you can fix your team. All I can do is hold up a mirror and show you why you’re to blame, yet you won’t look.’
I suggested we change the environment, get out his office building and go for a walk, and it was here that he described to me a recurring dream he’d been having since the start of our coaching. ‘I’m trying to climb this mountain, and yet various different people keep getting in my way. It’s really frustrating and just as the frustration is reaching boiling point I suddenly find myself alone. When I’m alone I find a clear route to the top and the view from the top is amazing.’ We talked about what it might mean to him; all his life he’d expected others to help him. His father was always there to help him when he struggled even the slightest. Rather than help him work through his problems and so empower him, his father simply did the task or solved the problem in its entirety for his son out of misguided love for him. And so it followed that when things went wrong David blamed others. Where were they when he needed them to help him, to pick up the pieces? Why should he be expected to cope with difficult tasks without help and the emotional release of venting his frustrations onto others? But alone up the mountain with no one to blame but himself he was free, and we were able to move on to finding ways to address the issue of motivating his team and win their respect without the self-delusional baggage of blame.
Blog written by Peter Willis
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