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How to really listen and improve client management skills

28 Sep 2016

Listening and trust
Good relationships are built around trust. Clients will only trust people if they believe that they have the ability to back words up with actions, are perceived as competent, are reliable, and most importantly, are honest. Trust is created when you feel heard and validated. So to build trust requires us to really understand where the client is coming from - their agenda and the values behind their agenda. To do this we need to employ the most powerful and yet underrated skill – the ability to truly listen. 

Listening is one of the key demonstrations of care. To support someone and win or retain their trust, we need to listen to understand what support they need. When people turn to life and executive coaches it is in part due to the rarity of relationships in which they feel understood, accepted without judgement and listened to.

So why are the vast majority of us so bad at listening?

With very little training, listening is a skill that can make huge differences in our ability to improve our relationships. Yet of all the skills that we as trainers and exectuvie coaches see performed consistently badly it is the ability to listen to someone. So why are the vast majority of us so bad at listening?

Our peers, friends and families all find it difficult to put aside personal agendas and to learn the tricky skills required to truly listen. Listening requires effort – mental concentration to tune in, to stop ourselves interrupting and telling someone our own experiences and opinions. And for many, talking is a way of validating their existence: by talking they are affirming who they are. If we listen we are seeking to understand someone; whereas when we talk, we’re invariably seeking to be understood. Yet most of us still prefer the sound of our own voice, a situation exacerbated by people too polite to walk away from a conversation even when their efforts at adding to the conversation are ignored and the conversation becomes little more than a monologue.

Even when we are not doing all the talking, we take for granted that by letting someone talk and not interrupting them that we’re listening effectively. But most of the time, half way through a conversation, we’re done listening for we think we know where the conversation is going and we’re ready with a hand hovering over the buzzer to inject to take control or redirect the conversation, and in doing so we fail to listen and we miss important information. Or we realise that we’ve had a personal experience of what the other’s person is talking about, so easy, we can tell them what you did and what they need to do to solve their issue.  So we half-listen, waiting to respond. 

Half-listening
At a recent exeuctive coach training workshop for a multinational investment bank, we showed participants the list below of 10 half-listening habits. All the workshop participants agreed that at some point they’ve done one or more of these. In fact, at some point or other we’ve all been guilty of half-listening.

Half-listening:

  1. Listening to make people think you're interested so they will like you.
  2. Listening in case you’re in danger of getting rejected.
  3. Listening in for a very specific piece of information while ignoring everything else they’re saying.
  4. Listening to buy yourself more time to think about your next comment.
  5. Listening so that the person you’re talking to will in turn listen to you.
  6. Listening to find the weak spots in someone’s character or the weak points in an argument.
  7. Listening to check how people are reacting and to make sure you produce the desired effect.
  8. Listening because that’s what a good, kind person would do – rather than talking about yourself, which is self indulgent.
  9. Listening because you don’t know how to excuse yourself without hurting or offending someone.
  10. Listening because you’re daydreaming.

We all have our own work, our own goals and daily chores, and each day we deal with own thoughts, emotions and feelings, so it’s little wonder when we have contact with other people we habitually half-listen; we simply don’t have the time nor energy to do otherwise. But half-listening to key stakeholders in business such as an important client or our boss, or to our partner or to people we care about, will not create the trust and respect required to develop strong relationships.

To listen effectively we need to concentrate and learn how to really tune into to somebody else.  To do this we need to engage ourselves in ‘Active listening’, which can be seen in Level Five below.

Level one: Interrupting
At this level, we’re not listening at all – we’re only concerned about what we have to say.

“I am having some problems with discipline in my team.”
“Yes, but I want to talk to you about hiring some consultants.”

Level Two: Sharing
At Level two, we’ve heard what the speaker has said and we want to share what happened when we had a similar experience. We’re hijacking the other person’s comments to take control of the conversation.

“I am having some problems with discipline in my team.”
“I’m finding that too. Last week I...”

Level Three: Advising
We want to help and impart our knowledge, and while giving advice can be valuable, it is not until you have explored the issue and encouraged people to come up with their own solutions.

“I am having some problems with discipline in my team.”
“What you should do is...”

Level Four: Attentive Listening
At this level, we’re moving into basic coaching territory. We’re listening to what the speaker is saying and inviting more. We’re allowing the speaker time to think, and we’re showing you are listening.

“I am having some problems with discipline in my team”
“Would you like to tell me more about that?”

Level Five: Active Listening
This is coaching. We’re listening behind and in between the words; listening to the silences; using our intuition; prompting the coachee to explore; clarifying and reflecting, facilitating their self learning and awareness; making suggestions.

“I am having some problems with discipline in my team”
“I can really feel and hear that it’s a serious issue for you. Tell me about it?”

When we’re guilty of half-listening, we’re listening at Level One, Two or Three. Then if we can learn to focus our attention on the other person and what they’re saying then we’re listening at another level, at Level Four. And we can often achieve this level of listening when we decide that what’s being said is important and doesn’t require us to defend our position, undermine the other person, or show ourselves in a positive light. We all invariably do some Level Four listening and we can manage this without much training.

Level Five listening, however, requires practice, know-how and self-awareness. At this level we’re tuning into the tone and intonation of a person’s voice, and observing their body language, their facial expressions, where their eyes lead – all are layers of information that will help you tune in and really ‘listen’ to where someone is emotionally and indeed, spiritually. When you listen at Level Five, you’re hearing what is being said, noticing your intuition and seeing the non-verbal signals. This could be external listening and it’s key to building trust and empathy with others, which are key factors in developing better emotional intelligence and improving relationships. This is where you can really start to understand what they value, their authentic self. Learn to listen at Level Five and apply this within key relationships in your life and you’ll see immediate, highly positive results.

Lequin provides executive coach training and executive coaching and training for over 40 multinational organisations in the UK, Europe, Asia and the US. Based in Bath near Bristol, we are a UK based company. 

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